


all that once was (is lost)

by HeavenChild



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drabble Collection, First War with Voldemort, Friendship, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenChild/pseuds/HeavenChild
Summary: Once upon a time, a boy named Regulus Black was loved by his brother.Once upon a time, a boy named Regulus Black was not saved.Because sometimes, even love is not enough.A collection of drabbles mainly focusing Regulus, especially in regards to his relationship with Sirius.
Relationships: Regulus Black & James Potter, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter
Kudos: 17





	1. First Meetings

**Author's Note:**

> The different drabbles may not always be in chronological order. I just want to write about the Marauders era, especially anything concerning Regulus (one of my favorite characters). It has been a long time since I read the books, so hopefully, they won't be too OOC.

**_first meetings_ **

**1\. James & Regulus**

Regulus shifted uneasily on his feet. He really hated galas. He wished Sirius were there with him. Sirius made everything easier, especially on occasions such as these. He had however been sent to his room earlier. Regulus did not understand why – maybe it had to do with why Bellatrix had suddenly screamed in outrage – but he knew he didn’t like it. In front of him, the older child - who Regulus did not actually know - offered him his hand.

“I’m James,” he announced with a small smile. “James Potter.”

Regulus shifted again. People did not talk to him. Never. It just… did not happen. Sirius, despite how he always made Mother and Father angry and disappointed, was who people talked to. Regulus knew he was supposed to answer. He just…wasn’t really sure how to.

Was James going to be angry? Mother always became angry when he acted like this. She said it was unbecoming of him to be this quiet, that he should remember he was a Black and act like it. In front of him, James was frowning. Regulus clenched his eyes, bracing himself, convinced he was going to be sneered at once more. He simply hoped it would not be as humiliating as the last time; he still wanted to cry whenever they had to go to the Malfoy manor.

When nothing happened after a few seconds, Regulus tentatively opened his eyes. James was still frowning. As soon as he noticed Regulus staring, however, his expression softened. He looked… not angry.

“You know,” James commented with a soft smile on his lips and mirth dancing in his eyes, “you’re supposed to introduce yourself now.”

Regulus blinked. He hesitated for a few seconds, but he eventually made his decision.

“Regulus,” he finally whispered in a slightly hoarse voice.

He quietly cleared his throat before pursuing.

“Regulus Black.”

“Nice to meet you, Regulus,” James said brightly, beaming at him.

**2\. James & Sirius**

“Gryffindor!”

Under the cheers and the clapping of his new house, James sat down at the table. He looked at the other boy next to him, who seemed incredibly satisfied. He had dark hair and grey eyes, as well as a little smirk on the corners of his mouth.

“You are a Black,” James declared.

The other boy looked at him like he was stupid and well… James had to admit his remark had been. Purebloods always knew each other, grey eyes only belonged to the Black and he was the first Black in forever to be in Gryffindor, so of course everyone would take notice of him.

“You’re not in Slytherin,” he added, before wincing because this was another stupid observation.

The Black boy – James thought his name was Sirius – stared at him for a moment. His expression had become wary. Still, he answered.

“No. As you can see, Potter, I was Sorted in Gryffindor. Like you,” he added as an afterthought.

James tilted his head. His eyes narrowed on his face.

“You were Sorted in Gryffindor…,” he repeated. “You are Regulus’ brother, aren’t you?”

This time, Sirius straight up frowned, suspicion in his eyes. His mouth formed a hard line, and he seemed to hesitate between throwing his pumpkin juice at James or punching him.

“How do you know my brother? Why do you care?”

For a moment, James thought to tell him about meeting Regulus three years ago and the letters they’d exchanged since then, but one look at Sirius’ face dissuaded him. He looked about to snap. For what reason, James simply had no idea. So instead, he straight-up ignored the questions and sent him a sly and impressed grin.

“Well done, Black.”

Sirius only sent him a stunned look back. Apparently, he didn't expect that.

What a pity.


	2. Memories

**1\. Sirus**

_then_

Sirius’ first day at Hogwarts was, for him, a point of no-return. Meeting James Potter, learning about something other than the carefully structured world Orion and Walburga had built for him, discovering Sirius wasn’t alone and that he wasn’t _wrong_ … it meant everything.

Being sent to Gryffindor was… maybe not surprising, but certainly unexpected. The Sorting Hat had told him that as a Black, he might be good in Slytherin, but that Gryffindor would see him flourish. Sirius had made his decision in a heartbeat and he never regretted it.

James, Remus and Peter were his brothers in everything but blood. James, especially, understood better than anyone Sirius’ increasing fights with his family, knew what Sirius left unsaid when he talked about punishments and Walburga’s disappointment.

James knew not to ask questions when Sirius stumbled in his house in the middle of the night, bloodied and shaking, muttering incoherently.

For Sirius, James Potter was worth anything. Even Regulus.

Because Regulus _had_ changed. He had started changing the moment Sirius was Sorted in Gryffindor, when no matter how many letters Sirius had sent home, Regulus had not answered.

Well, it wasn’t exactly true. Regulus had sent him one scathing letter, where he had insulted both Sirius’ new House and friends, as well as accused him of betraying their family. Sirius had used to think Regulus didn’t buy into all that blood supremacy bullshit despite his more introverted personality, but apparently, he had been wrong. So when he finally came home, looking at Regulus standing there with Orion and Walburga, his eyes cold and derisive, Sirius had chosen to treat him the same as he did his parents.

Regulus had made his choice, and Sirius would respect it.

He had always known he was the only one different anyway.

_now_

Sirius had loved his brother once. He had thought the world of him, he had been willing to do anything for him. And Regulus had trampled all over it.

It was Regulus who burnt the bridge between them first. It was Regulus who started reporting everything Sirius did to Orion. It was Regulus who spread lies and insults about Sirius’ friends, he who attacked them unprovoked, he who hung out with Avery and Lestrange despite knowing about their cruelty.

It was Regulus who gave up on Sirius, he who chose to follow monsters, he who decided to commit atrocities. If Regulus had been better, he would have fought.

Of Regulus, Sirius would remember this.

He would remember seeing his brother becoming someone else. He would remember looking at Regulus and asking him how he could still call Orion and Walburga with terms like Father and Mother. He would remember asking Regulus how he could even bear to look at himself. He would remember begging Regulus to come with him, to leave all this behind, to start thinking for himself for once in his goddamn life, and Regulus screaming at him to just fucking _go_ already.

Of Regulus, Sirius would remember this.

_“How can you speak of family when you never even bothered to try before finding a new one? Before leaving me behind!? How dare you speak of helping me when you’re the one who left me to them? Don’t you know what they had me do for him!?”_

Regulus had needed him, and Sirius had let him down.

Sirius would remember wondering if he had made a mistake.

**2\. Regulus**

_then_

Growing up, Regulus always admired his older brother. He remembered Sirius as the one person who would never let him go, as the only one he could trust more than anything. He remembered nights spent hiding in Sirius’ room, afraid of the shadows on his wall that sometimes seemed alive. He remembered laughter and smiles every time they got into trouble, even when Mother caught them and looked at them with disappointment.

He remembered the warmth of Sirius’ hand in his own. He remembered the reassuring smile sent his way every time Sirius said something that made Father and Mother bristle with rage, that made them send Regulus to his room before the yelling and the screaming started. He remembered the bitter smile Sirius gave him the first time he left for Hogwarts as well as the defiance that had shone in his eyes just before he boarded the train.

Regulus remembered learning about Sirius being in Gryffindor from Father, not Sirius (even though Sirius had promised to write him as soon as he could). He remembered days and days of waiting for Sirius to write to him, until Father had taken him aside and made him stop. He remembered sending letter after letter, talking about everything and nothing, hoping Sirius would just _tell_ him what he had done wrong.

Regulus remembered accepting that Sirius’ new House meant more to him than their own family, than even Regulus himself.

He remembered broken promises and ripped letters after Sirius made the decision to leave him behind; he remembered Father and Mother’s eyes when they gave up on him and turned to Regulus.

Regulus remembered betrayal.

_now_

Regulus watched the Inferi with fear and resignation. He wanted to be strong, he wished he could face them with fury and courage, fight them until nothing remained.

But Regulus was simply afraid.

He was terrified, and in a way, it was worse than the time he had been forced to take the Dark Mark. Back then, there had been people with him, people telling him it was his duty and that he would make his family proud. People who had told him he was worthy of the Black name, that if he could wash away the taint his brother had made. People who told him he could make a difference.

People who had _wanted_ him.

Regulus had loved this, even if the price had ended up too heavy for him to pay.

He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to be alone. What he wanted was for his brother to hold him in his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay, that Regulus was going to be alright. He wanted his brother back.

He wanted to tell Sirius about his decision, he wanted Sirius to tell him he was doing something good, something _brave_. The Sirius that would have told this to Regulus, however, was long dead. Regulus had lost him years ago. Or maybe he never even had him in the first place.

Of Sirius, Regulus would remember this.

He would remember learning to grow up in an empty house. He would remember growing up quietly, seeing and looking, but never speaking. He would remember pain and solitude – something he had to learn to appreciate – because his brother had left him behind. Because his brother was a coward.

Regulus would remember a cold house, a cold family and cold eyes always watching him to make sure he was _different_.

Of Sirius, Regulus would remember one thing.

_“Reggie… goodbye.”_

Regulus needed him, and Sirius wasn’t there.

Regulus would remember wondering if Sirius ever loved him in the first place.

**3\. James**

Of Sirius Black, James would remember a brother.

Of Regulus Black, James would remember a friend.

Of the Black brothers, James would remember trying to salvage their relationship, and utterly failing. He would remember confessions from a brother in the privacy of their dorms and whispered secrets from a friend under the cover of the night.

He would remember one night where Regulus had just snapped on him, looking so distraught James had been speechless. He would remember seeing the Dark Mark for the first time.

Of them, James would remember thinking theirs was a sad story.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! English is not my first language, so feedback is always appreciated. Updates will probably be irregular. If anyone else want to share their love of Regulus (or any character, really), feel free to message me!


End file.
